I Just Want To Do Whatever (Part 1)

I just want to do whatever all of the time. Really, doesn’t everybody? Yea, I’m sure there are those ultra-regimented people who want consistency and rules, but I’ve never been one of those people. Let’s face it, work can be inconvenient at times. I’m not sure who thought Monday through Friday, eight to six, would be a good time to go, but those times don’t always work for me. After all, I have a life. But when you’re in sales, most of that goes out the window. Sales lets you have freedom which makes it all bearable.

In pharmaceutical sales you have a ton of freedom, but all of that freedom depends on who you work for. Your boss makes or breaks the job. Yea, you have to increase sales and do a few things, but doing all of that leads to freedom. If you have a cool boss, the lifestyle of a pharmaceutical rep is incomparable. But if your boss happens to be a nut-job, then nothing is worse. No freedom equals nightmare job.

I was lucky enough to have a job with the coolest boss in the world. All he cared about were your sales results. That’s how it should be. When you did work with him, you’d go to an expensive lunch, and then he’d leave. He was funny. He was easy-going. He thought he was a dog in another life. It was perfect. I did my job in a few hours, went home, and never worried about anything. I wanted to work for him forever.

But then one day at around 10 in the morning, Coolest Boss in the World was ringing my phone off the hook. He knew I was sleeping, what the hell? He kept hanging up on my answering machine, and then ringing back. Finally, he screamed into the answering machine for me to get out of bed to answer his call. Totally unlike him, I should’ve known that his phone call was the beginning of the end.

The company we worked at was creating a new division, and they picked top reps from all over the country to join it. I was going to be one of those reps. Were the other reps in the company out of the country for the entire year because I barely worked? How the hell did this happen? I pleaded with Coolest Boss in the World to try to fight for me to continue working for him, but he said he had no choice in the situation. When I asked him who I’d be working for, he almost didn’t want to tell me. He said her name, and my heart dropped. I was about to work for the craziest chick in the company: Oh My Hummer.

She was from Connecticut and constantly said the phrase, “Oh my” while humming all day. (Why did you think I called her that?) I don’t think people should hum. And I take a very hard stance on this. I don’t care if you’re old. I don’t care if you’re in a play and practicing the tune out loud. I don’t care what your situation is; you should never hum. I’m pretty sure people who hum have some form of mental illness. It’s not a pleasant sound, you look strange when you do it, and nobody can ever figure out what song it is.

These humming people are definitely on the fringe of society. No doubt! I bet right before people go ballistic they’re humming. “Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm time to chop up my family, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm.” Am I wrong here? Either sing the song or shut up.

The humming was horrible, but it wasn’t the worst of what she did. She spied on reps, bragged about making them cry, was over aggressive with the clients, called you at all hours of the day, was cheap with the company money, had unrealistic expectations for your sales, and watched you like a hawk.

The company also moved this other rep from my team over to this new division. She was the typical annoying rep who's totally miserable in pharmaceuticals. Typical Pharma Bitch was tall, skinny, worked Manhattan, and took the job too seriously. She was hated by doctors, and other reps. You’d think she’d like the idea of working for a nut job, but she was upset too. I figured Oh My Hummer would love her. They’d be like two peas in a pod. What chance would I have?

I was telling Coolest Boss in the World my fears about working for his polar opposite when he said, “I’ve lasted in this business for years and the one thing that’s constant is that it’s always changing. You won’t have to work for her forever, but while you do make it work for you. Let her think you’re just like her and act like you are as into the job as she is. Do whatever it takes to make her like you, so she’ll leave you alone. If you do that, you can’t lose.”

TO BE CONTINUED...