It was my first day working with Oh My Hummer, and we had never met. She had me meet her in a McDonald’s for breakfast. Gross. As we sat there in the bolted down chairs, and I stared at my hash browns, I was ready to heed my old boss’s advice. First, I started repeating my own weird phrase, “Honestly?” over and over again. I can be sarcastic, so I love saying, “Honestly?” when I think something is ridiculous, but I don’t overuse it. It was funny to listen to her say, “Oh my” while I got to say, “Honestly?” over and over. If I was going to be a character it might as well be amusing.
Oh My Hummer wanted to go over my entire client list before we started working. As we went down the list, she asked me about each client. Before I’d get into it, I’d say, “Honestly?” and roll my eyes as though I were frustrated that the doctor wasn'twriting enough. As though I were agreeing with her. I wanted her to think I was crazy extreme like her. I prepped all my clients the day before and told them I was coming in with my wacko boss, and I wasn’t going to be acting like myself. I called on psychiatrists, and when I told them my plan, they were interested to see how it’d work. They’re nuts too.
All day we drove around in the car visiting clients from sun up to sun down. It was exhausting. It definitely cut into my couch time, but I persevered. If I made it through this test, I’d start to get my freedom back. She hummed, and I whistled. She said, “Oh my” and I said, “Honestly?” We were like two mental patients saying catch phrases while humming and whistling unknown tunes. I was ultra-aggressive with the clients, and I rolled my eyes at them all day to her. By the end of the day she loved me, and I laughed to myself. Coolest Boss in the World had hooked me up one last time.
Things didn’t go as well for Typical Pharma Bitch. When they worked together , they fought all day and Oh My Hummer tried to make her cry. I had told Typical Pharma Bitch to do what Coolest Boss in the World had told us to do, but she wouldn’t listen. Stubborn and annoying, this was why most people hated her. They were having a power struggle, and we all knew who would lose.
However, I soon became Oh My Hummer’s favorite rep, and everyone knew it. I was the only one who didn’t get screamed at. I was the only one who she didn’t make cry. She never questioned what I was doing or where I was. As long as when I saw her, I was whistling and honestly-ing her to death, everything was fine. Everyone on my team thought it was hysterical, except for Typical Pharma Bitch. She was the type who wanted the bosses to love her, but they never did. Apparently, being a pain-in-the-ass is annoying even to angry, humming people.
I started getting comfortable. I started cutting back on the whistling and the “honestly’s.” We stopped meeting at McDonald’s and started meeting at an actual diner. I was in. Work life was great. Everything seemed to be getting back to normal. Sleeping in. Pajama conference calls. Four hour work days. Three day weekends. My sales were great, so I figured there was nothing to worry about. I went to California for a few days, and then to Miami, without putting in for any of the time off. Just like the old days. My easy,breezy job and lifestyle were back. So what if I had to act like a crazy, obsessed sales person? As long as my life was good, who cared?
Oh My Hummer totally trusted me, so I had nothing to worry about. But then I booked a trip for a long weekend in Cancun and mentioned it to Typical Pharma Bitch. That was my mistake. We ran into each other in a bar at happy hour. Alcohol had failed me again.
I saw my phone ringing with Oh My Hummer showing up on the line. Typical Pharma Bitch was supposed to work with Oh My Hummer the next day. I didn’t understand why she was calling me. She told me that Typical Pharma Bitch had just called out sick, a stomach flu, and since she was going to drive into NYC anyway, she might as well work with me instead. What was I supposed to say?
I wanted to kill Typical Pharma Bitch, but I’d have to save that for later. With a flight leaving at 11am the next morning, I’d have to come up with something. Why was she screwing me over like this? There was no way I was going to miss that trip, but I couldn’t call out sick. As soon as I hung up the phone, I called my NGBF (Non-Gay Best Friend) to discuss what to do.
TO BE CONTINUED...