Wednesday, May 25, 2011

I Just Want To Do Whatever (Part 3)

Should I just quit? How bad do I really need money? I can’t miss a trip, but I definitely needed money, so quitting was out. Should I fall while we’re walking and break my nose? That would be hard to do plus I wanted to hook up while I was in Cancun. Should I call up crying and say one of my dead relatives died again? I don’t think dead relatives mind if you use their names. They are dead after all, it’s really not a lie, but what if she wanted to send flowers?

Luckily, my NGBF is a pharmaceutical rep, and she’s only had bad bosses. We came up with a plan that was fool proof. It was definitely risky, and it would take the two of us to pull it off. Timing would be crucial. We plotted out both of our moves precisely. If all went well, I’d be sipping cocktails in Cancun in less than 24-hours. If all didn’t go well, we’d both be up a shit’s creek.

I texted Oh My Hummer and told her we were going to meet early at the Manhattan VA. There was a client I wanted to see there (lie number one.) She said that was fine, and that she was looking forward to the day. I said I was looking forward to it too (lie number two), and then got sick to my stomach. This needed to work.

Barely able to sleep the night before, when I woke up I jumped into action. This was it. The big plan. Was I going to be able to maintain my easy, breezy life while working for a crazy-ass boss, or would this be the end of my job? I know most people would just skip the trip to keep their job, but I was determined to keep something more precious than my job: my freedom.

My car was parked in front of the hospital on the street when I saw Oh My Hummer getting out of a cab. She was right on time. I was definitely sweating this one. My suitcase was packed in my trunk, and I needed my NGBF to pull through. If she didn’t, and I had to work with Oh My Hummer all day, not only would I miss my trip, but it’d look weird to have a suitcase in my trunk instead of samples. I got out of my car and saw my NGBF sitting in her car a few cars behind mine. Oh My Hummer was at the entrance of the hospital.

I walked up to Oh My Hummer, said hello, and then we went into the hospitil. Once my NGBF saw us walking into the buiding, she’d only have a few minutes to do what she needed to do. As we were walking down a long hallway over to the psych ward, my NGBF pulled her car out of her spot and slowly started driving up to mine.

It’s 8 am in the morning, but in Manhattan there’s still a fair number of people out down by the hospital. My NGBF double parked her car next to mine. Her heart was racing. She got out of her car and looked around.

While walking down the hallway, we ran into a nurse I knew who stopped us from going any further and told me the client we were about to go

see was out today. Damn, helpful people! I knew that, but I needed more time. “Thanks,” I said and smiled, wanting to kill her. Oh My Hummer wanted to leave to get breakfast. Shit!

Looking around. Thinking of what to do, I told her I needed to use the bathroom first. I went into the bathroom and looked at my watch. I tried texting my NGBF to see if everything was taken care of, but my phone had no reception. AT&T had failed me again! Can they suck any worse?

I figured I’d just sit in the bathroom for a few minutes, but it smelled really bad. I was watching the clock. It was brutal. I tried holding my nose, but I needed to breath, and I still smelled it. But then somebody started knocking on the door. I said, “One minute.” But they kept knocking. Was it some nut from the psych ward? Trust me, they didn’t want to use this bathroom. It was disgusting. I hoped the smell wouldn’t attach to my clothes. This whole protecting your lifestyle and freedom at work thing was hard.

Meanwhile my NGBF was quickly looking around to make sure that nobody happened to be looking her way. She went into her bag and took out her swiss army knife. Ironically, it was a gift she won from a pharmaceutical contest. She quickly plunged the

knife into my front tire.

The knocking. The smell. I had to get out of there. I flushed the toilet and walked out of the bathroom, hoping I’d given my NGBF enough time. We started walking toward the entrance of the hospital.

My NGBF ran back into her car, and drove down the street.

My cell phone rang, and I pretended it was a client, as we stepped out of the hospital. I said, “Hello” and then heard, “The eagle has landed.” Massive relief. The deed was done. Ole’!

Me and Oh My Hummer, once in my car, started to pull out of the spot, but it's not easy driving on a flat tire. Oh My Hummer exclaimed, “Oh my you have a flat.” “Honestly, that’s so weird. I must’ve driven over some glass. Honestly, this day is ruined!”

Oh My Hummer immediately left and told me to take care of it. She called up the Brooklyn rep up and told him she was coming to work with him. Can’t she just take a day off? I felt sorry for him, but this really wasn’t my fault. Typical Pharma Bitch was to blame, and she’d get hers eventually. My NGBF pulled up from back around the block and waited with my car for the tow truck. I grabbed my suitcase

and hailed a cab to go to the airport.

Freedom is worth everything. Sometimes you slash a tire. It’s not like you’re slashing a face. I definitely owed my NGBF a big favor, but she knew I'd be good for it. I watched Manhattan pass before my eyes as the cab sped down the FDR drive, and I smiled about my future of mojito’s, guacamole, and doing whatever I wanted.


  1. Hahaha! NGBF is jst as crazy as you!! wow, i dnt think i'll have had the balls to pull it off! what if someone saw her while she punctured your tire and thought she was a psych ward patient on the loose?lol
    Lovely post :)

  2. Wow you are super badass. I love this. So inspiring. Important next question: how was Mexico?!

  3. Harebrained schemes work just as well as Navy Seal Team Six plans if you do them right. I'm glad you are the Team Six of harebrained schemes! Ole!

  4. oh wow. i need to find me a NGBF like that.

  5. Freedom is worth everything.<----(word!) Sometimes you slash a tire. It’s not like you’re slashing a're soooo gangsta...I luv it!!!

  6. Wow! What a great post, I couldn't read through it fast enough the suspense was killing me.

  7. Too funny. Should you ever want to vacation here (you don't want to, trust me) I'd like to borrow you to settle some things. You seem prepared to go that extra mile, cross that line. I could use that kind of skill. Yes, I am petting a fluffy white cat. Fear may be warranted.

  8. You make me laugh! Love it!!!

  9. Great escape!!!

  10. Great ending! I love that you got to have your cake and eat it too!

    So how was Mexico?

  11. I do not have a clue how to contact you except like this. Still, you've been on my mind with this damn Irene thing going on and I wanted to check and make sure my girl is safe. Don't slip on the stilettos and go for a little walk until this is over. Please let me know that you are okay. Thanks, Honey!