Thursday, February 24, 2011

My Dog is a C*#?% Block (Part 3)

We walked in, and now that it was almost two in the morning and the dogs were alone for hours, it was a shit storm of barking like I had never experienced. They were going nuts. I needed to take them out for walks. “Gay or Straight?” had walked in and sat down on the floor just like I’d asked, but it wasn’t helping. I can’t imagine that it would’ve been worse. I started getting their leashes to take them outside and told him to stay in my apartment when I noticed the books in my book case. And then the book next to my bed.

A friend and I had recently decided we were going to start our own business and become matchmakers. We were in the Hamptons one weekend after partying our asses off, and thought it’d be a fun business, so we ordered a ton of relationship books, and they were all in my book case. I had started reading one, and it was sitting next to my bed. What if this guy wasn’t gay? He’d think I was one of those people who read self-help

books. Many self-help books. It’d make me look like I was a basket-case. Quickly, I changed my mind and told him to come outside with me. I’d deal with the book next to my bed once we went back up.

Up and down my street. A thousand times. We walked the dogs around the block. Across the street. All over. And they wouldn’t go to the bathroom. All they wanted to do was sniff and bark. Not only did they want to bark at “Gay or Straight,?” but they barked at everyone and everything that passed us. They were pissed after being left alone so long and one dog spurred on the other. A few times “Gay or Straight?” started to “massage” my back while I stood there holding the dogs. The things I was putting myself through were ridiculous. It was turning into an awful night. After an hour or so, a guy on my block who lives street level came out to complain. I didn’t think people in NYC complained about noise, but it was close to four in the morning. We crossed the street to the other side, and I told “Gay or Straight?” I’d take a raincheck. He left. The dogs quieted down, and finally they both went to the bathroom. What a night!

I never did cash in that raincheck. I spoke to Sweet But Has Boring Friends who confirmed my suspicions. She thought he was gay too and her GBF also thought he was gay. Gay But Acting Straight, I guess. Maybe he was Bi. Who knows, but I can’t imagine

who’d like that weird back move.

I had been thinking the dogs were c*#?% blocks, but they had saved me from sleeping with a gay guy. Dogs have loyalty, smarts, and gaydar? Who knew? They had rescued me without me realizing it at the time, and woken up the entire neighborhood, but who cared.

Now when my dog barks I try not to get as annoyed. You never know what she might be trying to tell me, and let’s face it, I owe her one.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

My Dog is a C*#?% Block (Part 2)

I wanted to ask Sweet But Has Boring Friends if he was gay or straight, but I didn’t know what the etiquette was. Plus she was in deep conversation with her boring friends so it’d be tough to drag her away. I continued to play the game in my head, and then noticed it was almost one in the morning. I had to get back to the Barkersteins. I was late and the dogs were going to be nuts!

I said goodbye to my friend when “Straight or Gay?” jumped up to leave with

me. We walked out, and he offered to grab me a cab. I told him I was going to walk a little, so he started walking me home. Next thing you know we’re kissing on the corner. While I was kissing him I kept thinking, is he straight or gay? I just didn’t know. I was really attracted to him, but when we kissed it didn’t do it for me. But maybe it was because I was still asking that nagging question.

We kept walking, and then he started doing something that isn’t straight or gay. It’s weird. Whenever we stopped walking he’d take his fingers and do this weird pushing thing on my spine. Some type of accupuncture I guess. Luckily it was dark because my face was showing fear and a little bit of pain. Sweetly, I said, thanks for

the massage? I shouldn’t of encouraged him because he kept doing it every time we weren’t walking, but I really wanted to know what the hell he was doing.Then I just started kissing him because anything was better than this weird thing up and down my back. Was this supposed to be a turn on? It felt like a medical procedure. The kissing was definitely getting hotter so I overlooked the odd massage.

We finally got back to my apartment, and he asked me if I wanted him to come up. I did want him to, but I still wasn’t sure. I thought there was only one way to really find out so I was going in. We needed to really test things in the lab. These weren’t unchartered waters. I wasn’t the first woman in this dilemma. As long as he cut the shit out he was doing to my back I figured it'd be


Once we were in the elevator I remembered the dogs. So I told him about them and asked him if he could do something for me. I told him to walk in the apartment and immediately sit on the floor. If he stood there I figured it’d be worse, but if he got down on their level I hoped it’d be better.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My Dog is a C*#?% Block (Part 1)

My dog likes to bark. All of the time. I’ve taken her to trainers. I’ve socialized her at the best doggie day cares in Manhattan. I walk her for miles a day. She has giant biscuits to chew. But none of those things take away her will to bark. Barky is never deterred. She has a best dog friend, and he’s the same barky breed. He’s sweet and lovable, and they are the most adorable pups, but he barks all the time too. When you put them together it usually equals the noise level of ten Dobermans, three German Shepards and four’s enough to want to kill them.

There’s an unwritten rule in dog ownership. If you watch my dog, I’ll watch yours. It’s pretty simple. I’m sure people with kids do the same thing, but kids don’t bark. They do other annoying things, but the barking... So when my friend takes my dog and watches her, I know I’m going to have to reciprocate. But at what cost?

I was watching the dogs one weekend in the summer and they were driving me nuts. I only have one neighbor on my floor so whenever I watch them together I keep extra beer in the fridge as my peace offering to him. My friends dog, is really needy when he comes to stay, and it makes it hard to leave the apartment. He acts nuts if I just throw out the garbage and then come back. I was working on some writing projects that weekend so except for going to a party I’d be home most of the time.

Even with me being home they were both crazily barking non-stop. Every noise. Every move. Bark. Bark. Bark.

They're just awful together. I live in a studio apartment making it impossible to escape them. I couldn’t wait to go to my party for a break. Even though I knew the party would be pretty boring. One of my friends is the sweetest, but she has the most boring friends. It was sorta my obligatory birthday visit, but with the nuttiness of the dogs I couldn’t wait to leave.

The party was at this amazing bar downtown. It’s one of my favorite spots, so I left early to get away. My plan, once I got to the party, was to have a few drinks and leave. I got there late, and I was still the first one to arrive. Sweet But Has Boring Friends and her Gay Best Friend (GBF) were doing a combo party. I figured the gay guys would be fun at least. This really cute guy showed up, and he was friends with my friends GBF, so I figured he was gay. Gay guys are so cute, it’s so sad for women.

The guy was flirting and talking to me all night. So I started playing the game “Straight or Gay?” in my head. It was such a dilemma. Flirty and staring at my chest. Straight. Talked about his mother and sister. Gay. A do-gooder. Gay. Hand on my leg. Straight. Best friends with the gay guy at the party. Gay. Referenced his ex-girlfriend a few times. Either. Strong sexual energy towards me. Straight. But it was so confusing I didn’t know what to do. Women in Manhattan have been second guessing themselves ever since metro-sexuals showed up.