Thursday, March 10, 2011

Naked on the Subway (Part 3)

While riding the Path train, trying to avoid eye contact, my mind was a jumble of thoughts. Where am I going to get dressed? What the hell am I going to do? Why didn’t I just get dressed at the laughing Chinese Lady’s shop? Why can’t I get up on time? Why? Why? Why?

I was suddenly interrupted by this guy. He was staring. Hard. It wasn’t a quick peek and look away. It was a mouth watering, I-haven’t-been-laid-in-6-months-and-I-want-to-get-to-know-you-naked-girl-

on-the-train type of stare.

It made me uncomfortable, and I didn’t know what to do, so I stared back. When in doubt, be confrontational. I finally said, “Is there a problem?” He said, “What’s the matter? You didn’t have time to get dressed this morning?” I said, “Haven’t you ever heard of dress down day?” And then I ran off the train.

I ran up the steps and down the block only to think that things looked different. I knew it was early but it just seemed... and then I realized I got off at the wrong stop. That crazy stalker/starer had rattled me so much that I got off at 23rd street, and my job was on 34th. With no money for a cab, I jumped onto the 9-train.

My eyes search the train for coworkers so frenetically that I look like an epileptic patient. I’m so close to work that it’s almost inevitable I’ll run into someone. Hottie Boss is going to kill me.

The people in NJ had been staring, gawking, whistling and waving, but my beloved New Yorkers barely blink. I’m naked on the subway, and someone else is really a man dressed as

a woman, and someone else is crazy talking to himself about peanut butter, while a blind man, who appears to be able to see, begs for change. I’m with my people. I’m home.

I pop out of the train a block from work. I run into the Manhattan Mini-Mall because I know there’s a set of bathrooms on the top floor. I have 3 minutes. I would get dressed in the elevator, but it’s made of glass. This karma bullshit sucks, when it happens in reverse to you.

I’m running towards the bathroom when two maintenance guys call out, “Excuse me, the mall is closed.” I turn around, with only a moment to spare, and plead like my life depends on it. I stare straight in their eyes, and say, “Listen. I. Need. To. Use. Your. Bathroom. Now!” I punctuate each word by looking at my body hoping they understand. One guy moves into action. He quickly unlocks the bathroom for me. I run in, throw my suit on and run out. Please let me get to work on time!

I sit down in the meeting with a second to spare. Hottie Boss looks over at me and smiles. It was all worth it for that smile, and the confirmation that I’m in the clear with him for the time being. I’ll still get to do whatever I want.

And the next day, as I’m buying my usual salad at lunch from the top floor of the food court at the Manhattan Mini Mall, a guy walks over to me and hands me a note. I don’t recognize him at first, but it’s one of the guys who had let me into the bathroom the day before. The note says, “Dear YOU” in capitals, “We would love to take you out. Love, Joey and Vinny.” It’s hard not to laugh to myself. Maybe there is something to this getting up early in the morning thing after all.


  1. AWESOME ending! *stands and cheers* Wonderful series - had me on the edge of my seat!

  2. WHY- do I not Pee BEFORE reading you! I should know by now!!!!


  3. This made me laugh so much!!!!

  4. hahahah! this is such a cute story. so glad it ended well.
    i love your posts :)

  5. I feel a little bit cheated in that going back through the parts of the blog I discovered that you were not totally naked after all (i.e butt naked) but were in a female flasher coat.

    Now don’t get me wrong, I’m happily married and don’t need to see you naked, although I’m sure it would be a very nice sight. I would just love to see the real reaction from those unflappable New Yorkers to confronting acres of exposed flesh first thing in the morning….(Mrs B is not a morning person and it takes at least 2 cups of tea and two hours before she starts functioning. Apart from making the Tea I have freedom to do what I want in those two hours, apart from try and communicate with her, or put on clothes that she doesn’t approve of. How can she tell with her eyes clamped shut and her head under the covers?)

    Perhaps your fellow New Yorkers would just switch off and not react at all. I wonder if our brains have a defence mechanism for coping, like a fuse, which switches off when it feels we can no longer cope . I discovered this week that revealing far too much about yourself can have that effect. I know a number of people at work read my blog, they often talk to me about it but this week it was like nothing had happened. I figured the information had reached a tipping point and they could not cope so just ignored it, even my sister tried to deny she had read it…. Are our lives so wrapped up in the lies that we tell each other and ourselves, that we can no longer cope with honesty and reality anymore.

    P.S. Looking forward to a future post where you let us know how those New Yorkers react to total nakedness….

    P.P.S The Beast has volunteered to take pictures for the post…..

    For the reactions….

    Not the (polite English cough) the nakedness

  6. I just love a happy ending. *sappy smile* And you even got a potential date out of it. Creepy but fun. *lol*

  7. Tell me you went out with Joey and Vinnie who obviously do love you! This was the best. You got there in the nick of time and pulled it off (or pulled them on in the case of the clothes). San Francisco subways are somewhat like NY. Nobody pays attention to much of anything. I did have a man try to charm me with his exposed private part, but I told him to put it away dear, and he did. I love this and your ability to spin a yarn!

  8. You rock!
    Loved this series!


  9. lol. Now you know why some people say 'you dont wanna know!' when you ask them how was your day. They might just have interesting stories like yours :)

  10. Even though I knew how this was going to end I was looking forward to hearing the entire story again. You're a great storyteller/writer!

  11. Ah, a date with Joey and Vinny. Was it accepted?!

  12. I'm always amazed how complete strangers think it's acceptable to stare and make comments. It sounds like the day ended well after all. I suppose your next post will be about the night out with Joey and Vinny - fuhgeddaboutit!

  13. Well, you kept me hooked. Great post! What's next??

  14. Hilarious!! I'm soo glad I was able to read all 3 at once, you know how I am about you keeping me in suspense! :)

    Happy St. Patrick's Day!

  15. Great story! I was rooting for you to make it the whole time. Love that the mini-mall men asked you out. That's pretty classic.

  16. i especially loved the whole "you get dressed here" episode, and your insightful and reflective analyses.

  17. and did i mention the hilariously vivid imagery?

  18. Great blog posts!! I've read through several and am now following you and have subscribed to your email. You are hilarious and will be a great read!! Hope you will follow back :D

    Regards, Mari

  19. BTW - so glad you have feedburner - I'm now following you via email :D

  20. Haha it was fun reading the post though the ending turned out to be a horror flick :))) I need to follow your blog 'coz your great!