Sunday, October 31, 2010

Recipe for Disaster (Part 1)

Everyone has one friend that is extreme. Last minute they’ll drive to Atlantic City and gamble all night. They’ll start a new business in a week. They’re in love. They’re in hate. Life is a constant adventure. My friends say that I can be that person, but I also have that person. I became friends with my twin-lost-at-birth extremist when I moved to NY.

We met at one of my sales jobs and became fast friends. Whenever we went out, she was always looking for us to have the time of our lives. Always. We had fun, but after a review of the night, she’d ask, “Time of our Lives?” It’s hard to claim that you’ve had the time of you life. It’s an elusive thing. We had outrageous night after outrageous night, but still we never felt as though we had reached the pinnacle, the top, the ultimate. Time of Our Lives would look at me at the end of the night and say, “Almost, but not quite.”

I lost touch with Time of Our Lives, once I left that sales job. She had moved out of the city, and we saw each other less and less until it had been a few

years. Another co-worker from that job, who I also hadn’t kept in touch with, was getting married, and I got an invite to her bridal shower. I hate bridal showers. Talk about a waste of a day. It’s Saturday. I’ve worked all week. And now I have to sit at lunch somewhere and “Oh” and “Ah” over toasters and silverware. Please. I remember I had been planning on sending my RSVP back with a “no” since we barely kept in touch, but then I ran into the bride-to-be. She’s a nice girl, but a little conservative. Today, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was part of the Tea Bagger movement. That’s what I mean when I say she was conservative. We were never great friends, but we all worked together. Tea Bagger asked me as soon as I saw her if I was coming to her shower. Surprised that she’d put me on the spot like that, I couldn’t think of a lie. Nothing. I had no choice, but to say I’d see her there. Damn my mind for not working faster!

Tea Bagger was having her bridal shower at the Four Seasons in Manhattan. Seriously, where the hell was the wedding going to be? I was hung over from the night before and could barely raise my hand to hail a cab to get to there. I was dressed in black. I had really been dreading this shower.

But then I walked in and saw Time of Our Lives, it was great to get back in touch. I guess this shower would be good for something. There was this long table with about 50 women and me and Time of Our Lives. It was a lucky thing that we were both there because all of the other guests were 65 plus. Did Tea Bagger’s mom have her when she was 100 because she looked old too? She had on a thick pearl necklace, and she was even more uptight than Tea Bagger. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Where were the

other bridesmaids? Friends? Anyone in their 20s? This was nuts.

Apparently Tea Bagger’s friends must’ve been better at lying than me. The waiter came to take our drink order so we started early. It’s the best thing for a hangover, or a brutally, boring bridal shower. He was cute too. Eye candy never hurts.

Time of Our Lives and I started having fun by drinking too much when Tea Bagger started putting us to work. Tea Bagger’s Mom told us to help her with opening the gifts. I usually drink and go to the bathroom during that hour but not this time. This time I was writing who gave her what. Time of Our Lives was handing her gifts and opening them. We were both making some dumb hat out of bows. A dress out of toilet paper. It would’ve been a nightmare if we weren’t getting drunk. It was as if we were the hired help. WTF?



  1. Time of Our Lives and Tea Bagger...

    ...hahahaaaaaa :-D sounds like some interesting things are gonna jump off...can't wait to read about what happens next...

  2. OH! I hate being hijacked! And bridal showers. They are a waste of a day... At least you were drinking.

  3. What a stupid ritual - opening gifts in front of people so that everyone is bored and self-conscious about what they gave.

  4. The only thing worse than a bridal shower - a baby shower.

  5. "i hate bridal showers. talk about a waste of a day." - my theme song. that's why i stopped going unless i'm in the wedding, and then i go because i'm helping to host. i'm glad you said it, no one wants to admit it, but everyone thinks it

  6. Freakin hysterical!!! Boozing at the snooze fest....classic :)

  7. This is too funny! I can't wait to read what happens next. I hate bridal showers so much I skipped my own and eloped.

    P.S. thanks for commenting on my blog!

  8. great post....I love how quickly the mundane becomes crazy and extreme

  9. Ha! I love the way you give everyone these nicknames.

    I'm glad I don't have one.

  10. poor you, a bridal shower with 65+ grandmas? I would kill myself with drink too....

    p.s. Thanks for sailing by my blog. Do come again :)