Who created bridal showers? Some cheap ass who decided they were getting married but didn’t want to buy all the necessary things you need when you live on your own. Once you’re married you have two incomes. Shouldn’t you be able to buy plates and glasses yourself? And why do I want to watch you open all this shit? We know what you’re getting.
Tea Bagger’s Mom came up to the front where the gifts were being opened and said, “Everyone. Everyone. Gather round. We’re all going to honor the bride.” And she made everyone get up and form a circle around Tea Bagger. What the hell was this? Tea Bagger’s Mom went on, “Don’t forget she gets something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue,” and she handed Tea Bagger a box. Tea Bagger’s Mom made everyone get up for this? I wanted to strangle her with those pearls for wasting time. It was so quiet in the room you could hear a pin drop. Were the guests dead, or were they that boring?
Tea Bagger opened the box and pulled out blue panties. I was pretty drunk at that point, and before I could stop myself, I blurted out, “Luckily, that wasn’t borrowed.” No laughter. Nothing. Time of Our Lives started cracking up. Just like old times.
Now that the circle fiasco was over the games were beginning. Bridal shower games. Easily the worst part. The first game was Bridal Bingo. Yes, you heard me right. We were going to play Bingo. Only instead of having to call out "B12," we had to call outthings like “ring pillow” and “wedding march.” I wanted to march. I wanted to march right up to Tea Bagger and say, “Sorry you don’t have friends, but this bridal shower is why. We are out of here.” But the booze kept flowing and Eye Candy was getting hotter by the minute, so I sat there while Time of Our Lives screamed out “pewter” and some old lady jumped up and yelled, “Bridal Bingo!” I guess Bingo was fitting for this crowd.
Next we played Bridal Word Scrabble. Who thought of these games? Were we going to play Bridal pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey next? There was really no imagination going on here. I was in charge of this one. Everyone got a list of scrambled bridal words and had to unscramble words like “knot” and “mother-in-law” in ten minutes. While everyone’s head was down trying to figure out the words Time of Our Lives and I did a few shots. One of the guests was a Scrabble Rainman of sorts because the time wasn’t even close to being up when she screamed out, “Bingo!” She was obviously confused, but she had the entire list done. I’m sure it was fixed.
The remnants of our games were everywhere, and Tea Bagger wanted everything cleaned up. I was cleaning and Time of Our Lives was handing out the last game. Blank index cards. Tea Bagger's Mom wanted everyone to write down the ingredients to a goodmarriage. Their “recipe for love.” I knew from my married friends that meant alcohol and porn. I couldn’t wait to see what this crowd came up with.