Thursday, February 24, 2011

My Dog is a C*#?% Block (Part 3)

We walked in, and now that it was almost two in the morning and the dogs were alone for hours, it was a shit storm of barking like I had never experienced. They were going nuts. I needed to take them out for walks. “Gay or Straight?” had walked in and sat down on the floor just like I’d asked, but it wasn’t helping. I can’t imagine that it would’ve been worse. I started getting their leashes to take them outside and told him to stay in my apartment when I noticed the books in my book case. And then the book next to my bed.

A friend and I had recently decided we were going to start our own business and become matchmakers. We were in the Hamptons one weekend after partying our asses off, and thought it’d be a fun business, so we ordered a ton of relationship books, and they were all in my book case. I had started reading one, and it was sitting next to my bed. What if this guy wasn’t gay? He’d think I was one of those people who read self-help

books. Many self-help books. It’d make me look like I was a basket-case. Quickly, I changed my mind and told him to come outside with me. I’d deal with the book next to my bed once we went back up.

Up and down my street. A thousand times. We walked the dogs around the block. Across the street. All over. And they wouldn’t go to the bathroom. All they wanted to do was sniff and bark. Not only did they want to bark at “Gay or Straight,?” but they barked at everyone and everything that passed us. They were pissed after being left alone so long and one dog spurred on the other. A few times “Gay or Straight?” started to “massage” my back while I stood there holding the dogs. The things I was putting myself through were ridiculous. It was turning into an awful night. After an hour or so, a guy on my block who lives street level came out to complain. I didn’t think people in NYC complained about noise, but it was close to four in the morning. We crossed the street to the other side, and I told “Gay or Straight?” I’d take a raincheck. He left. The dogs quieted down, and finally they both went to the bathroom. What a night!

I never did cash in that raincheck. I spoke to Sweet But Has Boring Friends who confirmed my suspicions. She thought he was gay too and her GBF also thought he was gay. Gay But Acting Straight, I guess. Maybe he was Bi. Who knows, but I can’t imagine

who’d like that weird back move.

I had been thinking the dogs were c*#?% blocks, but they had saved me from sleeping with a gay guy. Dogs have loyalty, smarts, and gaydar? Who knew? They had rescued me without me realizing it at the time, and woken up the entire neighborhood, but who cared.

Now when my dog barks I try not to get as annoyed. You never know what she might be trying to tell me, and let’s face it, I owe her one.


  1. Seriously! The dog has gaydar and I don't?! So unfair! ...Ummm, could I borrow your dog?

  2. Traipsing around in your party dress and stilettos at 4 AM with barking dogs, and a possible serial killer, is not the most appealing thing I can imagine. But I am glad you made him take the walk with you rather than leaving him in your apartment alone where he could prepare his "kit" that he uses to murder young heterosexual woman because he hates them. I doubt the guy was gay, but weird is much worse than gay and the massage moves would have made me uber-nervous.

  3. I agree with Linda. I think you should give your dogs extra hugs for guarding you. Was him name Dexter??? *l*
    Have a great day!

  4. Wow a dog with gaydar (((:-D))) are tooo much...hahahaaaaa!!! (^_^)

  5. Its confirmed; the dog test works all the time!

    Gaydar indeed :)

  6. A dog with gaydar is a girl's best friend.

    So are you going to be Matchmakers to the stars?

  7. Hilarious. The strangest things seem to happen to you! I'm so glad you enjoy sharing

  8. It's funny, but dogs do know who they like and dislike immediately. Your dogs knew something was amiss and they did their best to let you in on it. Very funny stuff!

  9. Snif, Snif. No I don't have a cold--I'm laughing so hard my nose is running!

    How sexy is that?

    Gay sniffing Dogs--Hey WAIT!!! That would work, right??

    I mean the guys would love it! The girls, mmmm- not so much!


  10. So funny!
    Love these stories!