Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My Dog is a C*#?% Block (Part 1)

My dog likes to bark. All of the time. I’ve taken her to trainers. I’ve socialized her at the best doggie day cares in Manhattan. I walk her for miles a day. She has giant biscuits to chew. But none of those things take away her will to bark. Barky is never deterred. She has a best dog friend, and he’s the same barky breed. He’s sweet and lovable, and they are the most adorable pups, but he barks all the time too. When you put them together it usually equals the noise level of ten Dobermans, three German Shepards and four Dalmations...it’s enough to want to kill them.

There’s an unwritten rule in dog ownership. If you watch my dog, I’ll watch yours. It’s pretty simple. I’m sure people with kids do the same thing, but kids don’t bark. They do other annoying things, but the barking... So when my friend takes my dog and watches her, I know I’m going to have to reciprocate. But at what cost?

I was watching the dogs one weekend in the summer and they were driving me nuts. I only have one neighbor on my floor so whenever I watch them together I keep extra beer in the fridge as my peace offering to him. My friends dog, is really needy when he comes to stay, and it makes it hard to leave the apartment. He acts nuts if I just throw out the garbage and then come back. I was working on some writing projects that weekend so except for going to a party I’d be home most of the time.

Even with me being home they were both crazily barking non-stop. Every noise. Every move. Bark. Bark. Bark.

They're just awful together. I live in a studio apartment making it impossible to escape them. I couldn’t wait to go to my party for a break. Even though I knew the party would be pretty boring. One of my friends is the sweetest, but she has the most boring friends. It was sorta my obligatory birthday visit, but with the nuttiness of the dogs I couldn’t wait to leave.

The party was at this amazing bar downtown. It’s one of my favorite spots, so I left early to get away. My plan, once I got to the party, was to have a few drinks and leave. I got there late, and I was still the first one to arrive. Sweet But Has Boring Friends and her Gay Best Friend (GBF) were doing a combo party. I figured the gay guys would be fun at least. This really cute guy showed up, and he was friends with my friends GBF, so I figured he was gay. Gay guys are so cute, it’s so sad for women.

The guy was flirting and talking to me all night. So I started playing the game “Straight or Gay?” in my head. It was such a dilemma. Flirty and staring at my chest. Straight. Talked about his mother and sister. Gay. A do-gooder. Gay. Hand on my leg. Straight. Best friends with the gay guy at the party. Gay. Referenced his ex-girlfriend a few times. Either. Strong sexual energy towards me. Straight. But it was so confusing I didn’t know what to do. Women in Manhattan have been second guessing themselves ever since metro-sexuals showed up.



  1. I'm hooked. Can't wait for Part II. You probably have already tried a bark collar but in case you haven't they work on some dogs.
    Have a great day!

  2. Advice on the dog. You have to think Dog. Lay across your one, it controls her in 'the' strongest way. And actually use your weight, she'll not break.
    On the other dog, -the guest- all he's doing is taking his queue from her. It's her den afterall.
    On the bloke. You can always blame him for being confused in himself. For lets be honest if a fella's instinct is to shave at 5 o'clock he's being far more considerate than is good for him.

  3. Oh! I'm terrible at that game! Although, the fact that I live in Hetero Middle of Nowhere helps a little. Good luck with that.

  4. As a San Francisco woman, I can totally relate to what you are saying. And I can't wait for the next episode. My daughter lives in a condo in San Francisco. She and her family have a lovely English Bulldog named Winnie. Winnie is a barker. It came to the point that the condo association was getting complaints and as a last resort, they got Winnie a bark collar. I hate the idea of them, but it does work and he doesn't bark now. Oh, and if a guy shaves at 5 PM before going to a party, I think of that as considerate but not particularly gay.

  5. I used to have a gay co-worker and I played that game with him cause it could have gone either way. Then one night his car wouldn't start & I had to give him a ride home. We stopped for a drink, or two, or three...and after that he outed himself to me and he took me to see his apartment and it was the most beautiful place I'd ever seen. It was every girls dream *sigh*.

    It was so much fun to work with him after that because we worked at a pipe processing plant in the office. He was the safety inspector and I was the payroll specialist....and other than me everyone was a man. You can imagine the "pipe laying and pipe fitting" jokes we shared from then on.

    I wonder what ever happened to him....

  6. Granted Linda, that would be considerate. But his instinct would be 'darn it, I've done this once today'. Like I said instinct. Like putting the TP in the holder. There isn't a heterosexual man on earth that will do that untrained.

  7. Cant decipher a guy's sexuality if my life depends on it, but i am with you on 'Gay guys are so cute, it’s so sad for women'. lolsob
    awaiting part II

  8. "talked about his ex-girlfriend. either" LOL. but so true

  9. I have been so remiss in visiting my blogger friends lately! I was thrilled you stopped by today and was even more thrilled to find I was visiting back on a prt one!! I look forward to reading more tomorrow, it's always a treat and I can't wait to see how this all turns out! Have a great evening. :)

  10. Just by reading the title of this blog post I knew it was gonna be off da chain funny...

    Flirty and staring at my chest. Straight. Talked about his mother and sister. Gay. A do-gooder. Gay. Hand on my leg. Straight...Referenced his ex-girlfriend a few times. Either...hahahaaaaaaaaa :-D

    Now I'm off to read pt.II

  11. Yea, a new post!! I can't wait to see how this turns out.

  12. I’m so lucky today that I was able to read your post which gives me a lot of ideas .thanks for a post