I took a break from cleaning and ran to the bathroom. This bridal shower was work. I came out of the bathroom and saw Eye Candy. Alone in the hallway, we started talking. Then we started kissing. Next thing I knew I was pinned up against the wall. I did want to tip him. But then Tea Bagger’s Mom walked out of the bathroom, making as much noise as possible, breaking us up. I got myself together and went back into the room.
Tea Bagger’s Mom was starting to read the cards out loud. Since the mom had seen me making out with the waiter, I thought I should try to atone by continuing to clean up. I was on one side of the room. Time of Our Lives was on the other. Tea Bagger’s Mom read the first card. “This is from Susan. Hi, Susan.” Everyone looked over at Susan. “Susan’s recipe for love is 1 cup of hugs, 3 Tablespoons of affection, 1 teaspoon of kisses and a pinch of adoration.” Everyone at the table nodded their heads. Tea Bagger’s Mom said, “Oh Susan, truer words have never been said.” Were these people on crack?
“Okay, our next recipe for love is from...” This time she was reading Time of Our Lives card. I wondered what bullshit she’d come up with. Tea Bagger’s Mom was loving this. She must’ve waited her entire life to read these dumb cards. Even at some of the worst bridal showers, I never listened to this bullshit. “Her recipe for love is 2 Cups of Understanding, 3 Tablespoons of Forgiveness, 1 teaspoon of Fun, sprinkled with a dash of tenderness. And a heaping tablespoon of Mother’s Advice."Tea Bagger’s Mom ate it up. The room erupted into applause while everyone beamed at Time of Our Lives. Tea Bagger’s Mom looked at her and said, “You are such a wonderful friend to my darling daughter.” Time of Our Lives was hysterical. She had really laid it on thick to Tea Bagger and her Mom, but how much longer could I listen to these damn recipes? So I continued to clean.
Tea Bagger’s Mom went on. “Our next recipe for love is from...” And I hear my name. All eyes are on me. I look over and Time of Our Lives won't look at me. I knew I hadn’t written a recipe for love. I had been making out with Eye Candy. I had been cleaning up. I hadn’t been near those cards. Time of Our Lives was the devil! Tea Bagger's Mom readon while everyone’s eyes were on me, “Recipe for disaster...” And even though it said disaster and not love, she kept on reading. “1 cup of tell him he doesn’t appreciate you, 2 ounces of resentment, 1 ounce of disgust, 3 heaping tablespoons of NO SEX AT ALL!”
The entire crowd had been mouse quiet the whole day, but this recipe had them up in arms. I’ll never understand why Tea Bagger's Mom kept reading the card. I was bright red. Time of Our Lives was acting shocked. Tea Bagger’s Mom looked at me and said, “You are a disgrace to bridal showers!” Was that the best she could come up with? It was almost a compliment. I heard one of the old ladies say, “I saw her scowling during Bridal Bingo.” I wanted to kill Time of Our Lives and die at the same time. Tea Bagger’s Mom finally got it together and said, “Okay, let’s all move on. Next we have Nancy’s recipe for love,” and she started reading a new bullshit card.
I escaped from the room and met Time of Our Lives out in the hallway. We laughed hysterically, and I told her about Eye Candy. We were laughing so hard we almost peed. Eye Candy was there and took us away from the bridal shower to a wedding that was going on in another part of the hotel. We boozed and partied for the rest of the night. Time of Our Lives hooked up with someone. I hooked up with Eye Candy again. We knew we probably weren’t going to get invited to Tea Bagger’s wedding, but we didn’t care. We laughed. We partied. We danced. At around three in the morning, when all was said and done, my old friend looked over at me and said, “Time of Our Lives?” and I said, “Definitely.”