Sunday, July 10, 2011

Rubies, Emeralds, & Diamonds, Oh My! (Part 1)

I love NYC, and I’m a die hard fan. And I’d defend this position to the death, but in the winter my loyalty can be tested.
Knowing winter was almost here, me and my NGBF (Non-Gay Best Friend) decided to book a quick trip to Aruba. We went to a travel agent and told her we just wanted to be warm and drunk. Easy. Simple. Right?
We left out a few important facts, because she booked us at this disgusting hotel. Totally gross. It smelled and looked like it hadn’t been updated since 1975. I knew there was probably gallons of cum on the walls, and when I pulled the blanket off my bed there was some hair on it. Potentially pubes.
I immediately checked us out of the hotel and told them it was because of the cum and pubes. Then I called the travel agent. Again the cum and the pubes story. She said she couldn’t do anything. Her boss got on the phone. Again the cum and the pubes story. Most vacations have more cum and pubes action as opposed to talk. This trip sucked so far.
After a ton of phone calls, we were booked into a five star hotel in Aruba, without being charged extra. Things were looking up. Our room wasn’t ready, and it was the middle of the day, so instead of going swimming, we took a cab into town to shop and drink. We needed some stress relief, big time.
Aruba is known for jewelry. So after a few margarita’s, we shopped. We were experiencing drunk vacation shopping therapy. Not good. And once we started, we couldn’t stop. We bought jewelry almost every day. Needless to say, it was a little addictive.
At this time me and my NGBF didn’t make much money. She had just changed careers, and I was at yet another sales job. We probably couldn’t really afford Aruba, which is why we ended up at the 1975 Cum Pubic Hair Hotel. We definitely couldn’t afford the jewelry we bought, but we thought it’d stop in Aruba. You know, as we were flying back wearing 14 bracelets, 4 rings and 10 chains, looking like a couple of ‘80s Guidettes, we figured we had enough new jewelry. But once back in NYC, we realized Aruba had kicked off a jewelry shopping spree unlike any other.

I’d be walking down the street to pick up my dry cleaning and instead buy a diamond bracelet. My NGBF would be in the middle of work, just running out to grab a salad, and then she’d come back to the office with a diamond watch. The flood gates were open. We were out of control. We needed to be stopped. Something. Anything. We were buying jewelry as often as we peed, and something had to give.
And then it happened. I saw THE RING. And the sparkle was amazing. You see, that’s what this was all about. I love the sparkle. I’ve always loved the sparkle, and once I started buying the sparkle, I couldn’t stop. I wanted to be covered in sparkle. The more the better. You know that woman that wears her entire jewelry box every day? I aspired to own her collection. Demented, I know.
Some sparkle over on Fifth Avenue was calling my name, and it was about time I made a purchase. I called my NGBF and she sped over.


  1. ...It smelled and looked like it hadn’t been updated since 1975. I knew there was probably gallons of cum on the walls, and when I pulled the blanket off my bed there was some hair on it. Potentially pubes...

    ...the way you describe scenes and settings is priceless :-D

    Oh please let there be a jewel heist involved in this story... (^_^)

    You write like nobody else on the planet, I swear.

  3. Sorry about the hotel, darling!
    Love your stories!


  4. You hooked me! I'm wiggling on the end of the line here. I'm so glad you got out of the C&PH Hotel. That place is so NOT YOU.

    I have a 2 1/2 ct, VS1, marquis cut diamond. It is the only jewelery I really care about now. But that doesn't mean I don't have a lot more. I don't buy jewelry for myself though.

    I got addicted to buying very expensive sheets when I could least afford to do such a thing. I felt guilty but I just kept buying them. At one point, I had 47 sets of sheets. These were not the cheapie low end sheets either. (Did you ask if I was charging them? Well, what else? I had no money!)

  5. Credit cards feed bad habits, huh? to Linda...47 set of expensive sheets. I wouldn't even have room for them in my closet.
    I guess it's better to have sparkly eyes but they can get you in a whole lot of trouble too. :)

  6. If only hotels would call themselves Cum Pubic Hair. It would save you having to witness the nasty. Diamonds are a girl's best friend? Until they aren't of course. OH! Is there an elaborate diamond theft later in this story? That would be fun.

  7. The hotel room I booked in Amsterdam sounds like a potential cum and pube hair chain.(love that descript). I promise to tell you all about it..when i come back.

    Broke and shopping for expensive jewelry is a bittersweet cant wait to hear the rest....

  8. OMG cum and pubes...Thank goodness my trip to Aruba was by way a cruise!

  9. Ugh to the motel, yay to the spending spree! Keep on with the spending and avoid cheap motels.

  10. Okay. I'm frightened for you. I'm reading parts two and three because it's important that I breathe.

    I'd no idea you were a bling-whore....

  11. Sweetie, I am just checking in on you after the monster weather in your area of the country. I hope you and yours all survived it with no problem. xoxo