Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Main Street Manhattan (Part 2)

On Main Street the cops don’t have to be called in because some weird guy is tracking your menstrual cycles. On Main Street the cops walk up and down the beat and know you by name. The two cops that showed up at my place were not like the cops in my Main Street utopia. One was nuts and was just looking for an excuse to go Rodney King on someone’s ass. He was a short, Italian, cursing lunatic about to explode from the slightest provocation.
When I told him about the whole “I know when you get your period” thing, he screamed and punched my wall. Usually I’m not really into psycho cops, but when some weird guy is laying on his bathroom floor looking at you shower through a crack, suddenly you’re happy there’s a psycho cop who wants to help you.
His partner was the exact opposite. Composed and calm that wasn’t the only thing that made him standout from Psycho Cop. The partner looked like he was in the process of getting gender re-assignment surgery because he was definitely wearing blush and had serious man boobs. His voice cracked and seemed to be high for a man. I’m sure Psycho Cop wasn’t happy being partners with Gender Reassignment Cop, but I was happy to have the balance. Psycho Cop needed it, and if the other cop was in the process of turning into a girl, he’d know how I felt.
Stoner was trying to stay in the background and avoided acting paranoid. Gender Reassignment Cop thought they should go upstairs and talk to Frank, so me and Stoner ate some cheese doodles while they went upstairs.
When the two cops returned to my apartment they looked a little confused. They asked me questions about what Frank had sounded like on the phone. I told them he had a heavy NY accent, and he was loud. The guy who lived above me was a gay, Frenchman, and they believed he had no idea what they were talking about when they questioned him
about the call. Luckily for Frenchie’s sake he wasn’t involved because if Psycho Cop had thought he was the one, it would’ve been ugly.
The cops left and told me to call if anything else happened. I finished packing my bag and went on with my weekend plans. I came home late Sunday night and thought it was all behind me. It was late, and I was exhausted. It was
almost midnight and the lights in my apartment were on. I have to admit that I was dreading shutting them off. One of my brothers called me to tell me something, but then said he had to call me back because he had to watch some stupid baseball instant replay. I hung up the phone and then it rang two seconds later. Thinking it was my brother, I answered it. Heavy breathing. “I see you.” More heavy breathing.
You know how when you watch a scary movie and something like this happens, the heroine just sits there and doesn’t move and you wonder what you’d do in the same
situation. Secretly, you think you might also be a dumb ass and react the same way. I don’t wonder about that anymore. Within seconds, I jumped out of bed, called the police, put clothes on, and was getting my sneakers when the cops showed up.
This time it was two other guys. I was crying. I couldn’t believe I didn’t feel safe in my own home. I started to tell them what had happened on Friday and now on Sunday, but they could’ve cared less. Total douche bags, they didn’t even wait for me to finish getting my stuff together to leave. They told me to get caller ID, and they wanted me to stop calling the police. The least they could’ve done was walk me out of the building.
Standing on my beloved Lexington Avenue, at midnight, holding my arm up to hail a cab, Psycho Cop and Gender Reassignment Cop pulled up. They said they heard my address over the car radio, and they came right over to see if I was alright.
I sat in the back of their patrol car. Psycho Cop had a screaming fit after I told him what happened and Gender Reassignment really empathized with my situation. They said this was now a stalking case, and they were taking it seriously. They were putting a tap and a trace on my phone, and all I had to do was answer the phone, and they’d have him. I told Psycho Cop about the Douche Bag Cops and what they said, and he told me not to worry, he’d take care of them. I was happy Psycho Cop would be able to take his anger out on someone.



  1. Oh darling I am so sorry you were feeling unsafe in your own home.
    But really, your stories are brilliant!


  2. I love Psycho Cop and Gender Reassignment Cop and all of this is so "Only in NY" to me. (Of course, being a SF girl myself, we do have a bit of the same thing out here I'm glad to say.) I hate anything that intimidates me and phone calls from creeps do intimidate me. Still, with my two big pit bull mixes, Honey and Harry, I don't worry too much. Harry is a total combo of Psycho Cop and GRA Cop. He is "sensitive" but nuts and does not like strange men. I love that in a dog. I cannot wait till the next chapter of this. And I wish you'd submit a little screenplay to the networks. I'd watch every segment of your show!

  3. i love the stoner with the cops! reminds me of 6 feet under's pilot - my fav!!

  4. I can't imagine living so close to strangers and yet I know that's how you have to live in NY. Be grateful for the first 2 cops who are looking out for you. Be careful, which I know you will be, and continue to keep us informed.

  5. I love Psycho Cop! But you sure wouldn't want to be on his bad side! I'm surprised the cops even showed up though.

    Wow, what a can't make this stuff up!

  6. Yay! I was finally able to post a comment. You won't believe the hoops I had to go thru tho. First I had to choose my profile, then click on preview then retype my user name and password and then unclick save my user name and password. But it was all worth it so I can tell you how much I love your posts!

  7. You know how when you watch a scary movie and something like this happens, the heroine just sits there and doesn’t move and you wonder what you’d do in the same situation...I don’t wonder about that anymore. Within seconds, I jumped out of bed, called the police, put clothes on, and was getting my sneakers when the cops showed up...word.

    That stalking thing ain't nothing to play with...hope Psycho Cop is the one that gets to catch this bamma.

  8. Great characters you're creating. Thanks for stopping by my blog-I'm not posting often at Sagecoveredhills this summer-instead, check out my other blog where I am posting about my travels: BTW, after Jakarta, NYC doesn't seem so scary! -Sage

  9. girl, i promise to buy your novel if u ever think of becoming a published author! u write so well <3

  10. This played out just like a hollywood movie, Psycho Cop and Gentle Cop appearing just when you need them. Hope they can trace the wanker :/

  11. i love that you made gender reassignment cop empathetic and not creepy :)

  12. Hahahaha - love your posts they are very funny. Of course I'm sorry you're being harassed but you write with such wit. Love the way you described the cops. Sounds like you have a great team, although weird, on your side.

  13. Well it does sound as if they evened each other out. How awful you had some sicko calling you. Can't wait to see how this turns out.