Sunday, January 9, 2011

Binge Life (Part 1)

Running. I used to think of running in terms of running away from something. Commitment. Responsibility. A mugging. Never as something anyone would do voluntarily. Why would anyone ever run when they could walk, drive, or stand still? It makes no sense. But then I ran into my Ex, and he was with his fiancĂ©e. That’s another type of running - "running into" - that sucks. He couldn’t stop talking about running. Running, running, running. He went on and on about how they - the happy couple - were training for a marathon.

My Ex was annoying before, but now he had become a smug runner. He was marrying a smug runner. You know the type. Runners that casually say they’re going for a 10-mile jog at 5 AM, as though it’s a trip around the corner. They always eat whatever they want, while forever fitting into a size 2. Athletic by nature, they effortlessly and easily run and barely break a sweat. Damn their good genes.

My Ex had mastered soccer, baseball, downhill skiing, volleyball, and now he ran marathons. Listening to him talk about running was boring and annoying, but it lit something inside of me. A fire. A passion. A need to not be one-upped, while I was standing on the street with no make-up on, eating a bagel, having just rolled out of bed around 2. It was the day I became a runner. I didn’t run that day, but my mouth sure did.

Running is a solitary sport. You don’t need much except for a pair of sneakers and some road. Unless you’re me. If you’re me, you need the best running sneakers, the perfect sports bra and shorts, and your best friends. There was no way I was going to train and run a half marathon by myself. Did I mention I told the Smug Runners/Happy Couple that I was a runner as well, and that I was going to be running a half marathon in a few months? As it turned out, so were they. The next thing I knew, I was bullshitting that I was going to be running the same one they were running. I also lied about my mile time, and that I’d ran a bunch of half marathons before this one, you know, as jelly was dripping out of my bagel. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I talk.

I conference called my BFF (Best Friend Forever) and Time Of Our Lives (She is always looking to have the time of her life). These are my two friends who are ready to get involved in any hairbrained scheme I come up with. The three of us are

cut from the same cloth. All or nothing. Live or die. In or out.

Extreme, crazy, and ready for anything, when I told them what happened they were on board right away. We needed to train and compete in a half marathon in a matter of months. None of us had been running at all. We had all been doing the opposite. Binge drinking, binge eating, binge sleeping, binge binging. We’d been having a binge life in every type of sloth-filled way. Now we were about to start binging on being healthy. The most exercise I’d been doing was a yoga class that let you lay down for half the class. BFF had a bum ankle. And Time of Our Lives smoked two packs a day.

I found some running program on the internet, so I had our running schedule for the next 12-weeks. We’d run once a week together and do the other runs on our own. We met in Manhattan in Central Park at the Reservoir for our first run. It’s about 2 miles around. After the first 2 minutes, I was out of breath, BFF was limping, and Time of Our Lives thought we should take a break. It was cold. We were all hung over from the night before. This was not how we thought the first day would go. This was supposed to be the first run of the rest of our lives. Instead we all left each other discussing ways we could ice our bodies.



  1. My God! I want to come to New York and be your BFF. You and your friends sound exactly like me. Keep in mind, I would do the marathon with you but I only wear heels. I'm not sure they slow me down that much though.

  2. You are awesome.
    I used to be an avid runner but now have pretty much replaced it with yoga... easier on the joints, I guess. But I miss it.


  3. Good for you for running, but it's for the wrong reason. Thankfully it has been a long long time since I saw my ex--but it only made me incredibly sad... btw, good and funny writing, thanks for the smiles.

  4. Another great story I can't wait to hear the end of! I love how you keep us guessing till the end. I hope you had a great weekend!!

  5. I am hooked.... I ran so much during High School and College Football..that if you see ME running! You'd better start, because something big ass and scary is chasing me. Cheetah-(Cheetahs never win, Bigfoot, a Creditor--something bad is on my tail! And remember- I don't have to OUT RUN WHATEVER!!! Just WHOEVER-- is the slower person!!

    I am so dialed in , that I have to go lay down now and watch the rest of the Two Football teams run!

    Of course they get 125,000.00 a minute to do it!! Talk about Motivation!

    I LOVE THIS BLOG!!!!!!


  6. I've always wanted to be a runner! I never wanted to actually run, I just wanted it to come easy. But can't wait to hear how you did in that marathon cause I know you got in good enough shape to enter!

  7. I wanted to be able to run. However, my boobs keep giving me black eyes. Not to mention that walking around the block wears me out.

    Good for you on lying and then getting the BFF's to go running with you. I think that if I did that with my BFFs. we would get a block then get some ice cream. You go girl!

  8. Bernie cracks me up with her black eyes remark. LOL

    I am so impressed. I've known a lot of wannabe stand up comedians but never a real one. I salute you. It must take a lot of guts and gusto. You're my hero!!

    Hurts just plain hurt and affairs of the heart are slow to heal. (been there) but they do heal and then you'll be champion of your own passions.

    Your posts give me laughter and reading you is a great way to start the day. I'm hooked!

  9. Run from a mugging - i love it!

  10. This post gives me a side stitch Just the thought of running. *shudder* You go girl! Can't wait to read the next segment!

  11. Running in Central Park seems quite picturesque...probably not for you though! Hope it ends well! =)

  12. Running is a solitary sport. You don’t need much except for a pair of sneakers and some road.
    Here in the UK it is OK to weight yourself in the nude, in order to keep the weight down but you must remember to put your clothes back on before heading out for that run.

  13. I used to run for the ferry, but now that I drive to work, that's over. I work in a classroom that has a few runners, so every once in a while, I do have to sprint down the hall after one of them. And I have recently taken up yoga. The laying down at the end is the best part.

    Can't wait to see what happens next!

  14. This blog is the best thing that ever happened to me on a snowy day! Haha! Can't wait to see how this ends up! BTW- I think "runner's high" is made up and they all go along with it. No such thing!!!

  15. Sometimes, I run to the toilet after bingeing on cupcakes.

  16. ...I used to think of running in terms of running away from something. Commitment. Responsibility. A mugging...hahahaaaaahaaaha...a mugging...oh man did that make me laugh :-D...this is gonna be good...

  17. The good part about this is you are going to be uber fit by the time you finish. The bad part is that you are competing with the smug runner ex and his fiancee. Well, here's wishing you are the smuggest of 'em all!!