Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Karmic Bitch (Part 2)

It’s a few months later. It’s a freezing cold night, and me and some friends are out drinking. At the last bar, during the last hour, we run into Toothless Pete. He’s one of my friends’ cousins. He’s been in so many brawls that at one point he was missing a few teeth. He has them all now. Regardless, he’s a lush and a good guy all rolled into one.

He has no where to stay. Wasted and dumb, we can’t just send him out into the streets. Everyone else was staying at my apartment so he stays too.

First thing in the morning what do I wake up to? “Um, wake up. I think I pissed on your couch. Wake up. I pissed on your couch. I pissed on your couch.” My brand new couch. With all these girls sleeping over, how the hell did he get the couch?

At this point I’ve lost a chair and now a couch. There’s not much furniture left in my small apartment. And with a major piece of furniture ruined, Karma must be done right? But then...

I’m stuck in traffic, and it’s taking 45-minutes to go three blocks. I just drank a ton of water, and I’ve had to pee since I started driving. Seeing a place to park, I pull over and run into this random bar. The bathroom is filthy and small.

I get into a squat. Then I go down a little lower. Checking around to make sure I’m not too close to touching anything. A little lower. Check. A little lower. Check. And then when I think I’m finally able to pee, I let loose and wind up peeing on my white pants. Did I mention I’m late and on my way to meet a blind date? Karma!

It’s a year later and who do I see out in a bar, but Piss Bed Guy. This must be a test. Maybe Karma is giving me a chance to make up for what happened.

Instead of running out of the bar, which was my first reaction, I ran right over to him.

I wonder if he knows I’m Piss Girl. It was me who peed in his bed. Or maybe he thinks he’s Piss Guy, and it’s ruined his game. Does Karma want me to ‘fess up? I have no idea.

Piss Bed Guy hasn’t accused me of anything, and he genuinely seems happy to see me. It’s getting late. I’d already slept with him once so sleeping with him again didn’t really count. Back to his place. Round two.

We’re hooking up when suddenly, I hear this noise. We move. The noise. We move more. The noise. It’s this ssshhh ssshhh sorta sound. And we can’t seem to get away from it. The sheet at the top of the bed starts to come up. Ssshhh ssshhh. I couldn’t even get into my hook up because between the noise and wondering if the bed was new or not, I couldn’t focus. Ssshhh ssshhh. And then all of a sudden I realize the source of the noise. Rubber sheets. Piss Bed Guy bought rubber sheets. Bad second hook up.

We’re laying there, and all I wanted to do was run. I looked over at him and quietly said, “I peed in your bed a year ago. I’m really sorry. I was so embarrassed, and I didn’t know what to do. I just ran out. Can I buy you a new bed?”

Piss Bed Guy was cool. He smiles and says, “I know. When I woke up in the morning and saw what happened I figured that’s why you left. It’s an old bed. No big deal.”

Okay, what? Does this guy have any standards? He should be a little more annoyed. We chat a little, and then I leave and give him a fake phone number. I can’t date a guy who is okay with a random girl peeing in his bed, and then instead of replacing the bed he just throws rubber sheets on it. Please. And I’m sure that’s going to be fine with Karma. I came clean. I offered to pay for the bed. She didn’t expect me to marry the guy. Right? Apparently, I was wrong. Who do I think I am trying to understand Karma?



  1. Girl, you're hilarious! Man!!! LOL I'm putting your link on my blog. :-)

    Talk soon!

  2. No not the couch!!!...and rubber sheets??? That's eff'd up!...your karma stories are the s@#t!!! Can't wait to read the next post (^_^)

  3. You don't seem old enough to be so incontinent. Try Cranberry juice, it's good for the pipes. - Bud F.X. Landry

  4. A recent survey conducted by U.S. News and World Report showed that 87% of men are "somewhat likely" or "very likely" to switch to rubber sheets after an unknown woman urinates in their bed.

  5. ...Dearly Beloved, we are gathered...


    It is an odd response, based on one night, that he'd change the way he dresses his bed. Are you sure you just "happened" across him and that he hadn't been stalking you for a year?

    Just checking.

    And with that happy thought, I bid you farewell and caution you to check your visitor logs for odd patterns :).

  6. he KEPT the bed and simply put rubber sheets on it?

    Honey, I think Karma did you a HUGE favor....this guy's got some serious ISSUES.

    And who says Karma's a girl??

  7. I went on a job interview once and the guy interviewing me was missing his two top front teeth. He gave me the standard company line about what a great place it was to work etc. He started describing the benefit package and got around to telling me what a great dental plan they had. I was offered the job and I politely declined!