Tell Me A Joke Bitch (Part 1)

When you’re a comedian and you’re around non-comedians they want you to perform all the time. No matter if it’s appropriate or not. Look, I love doing comedy, but it gets a little ridiculous. You’re at a barbecue and people want to hear your “act.” People will say, “Tell your jokes. Like when you’re on stage.” The last thing they want to hear are the jokes that you’d tell in a club. Talk about wrong venue. I’m going to tell a cock joke at a Mother’s Day brunch? Doing your act outside of a club is brutal. It’s sorta like when someone tells you a story and then says, “You should use this in your act.” It just never translates.

One of my best friends had just gotten engaged, and she called me up to share the good news. I was excited for her, but even though it had just happened less than 24 hours earlier she already had half of the wedding planned. I wasn’t surprised. I knew she’d be one of those crazy brides. She’s just crazy in all situations. She’s a planner to the end. No detail too small. Meticulous times a thousand. Over the top and extreme, I knew her wedding would be an event.

But when she asked me to MC her wedding, I wasn’t quite sure what she meant. When someone asks you to do anything for their wedding your first answer has to be yes. But I have to admit I was fearful. I figured she was over planning and thinking of every possibility and that by the time the wedding day came she wouldn’t need an MC. Why would she need an MC for her wedding? It’s like having an MC at a funeral. We all know why we’re here. We all know what to do. It doesn’t make sense.

And then, like when all your friends get engaged, there’s a big party to celebrate the engagement, and then life goes on for you. You know the wedding is coming. There are showers, bachelorette parties, and dress talks, but it always seems so far away. I remember asking Crazy Bride a few times what I’d be doing as the MC, but she told me it’d be a cinch. Not to worry. She was busy planning. And that was that.

I did have wedding material in my act. Most of it was about how weddings suck and ruin your weekend, so I didn’t think she wanted me to use those jokes. I didn’t know if she wanted me to do jokes at all. Maybe I’d just announce the 94 bridesmaids and groomsmen when they came out and then them. I didn’t understand why they’d need that, but whatever. It wasn’t like there was going to be a show at her wedding. But that’s where I was wrong.

Yes, that’s right. Not only was Crazy Bride planning a destination wedding with three different locations within the location that was jam packed with events and something to do every minute while you were there. She was also producing a show. Like I said, she’s nuts. Her rehearsal dinner, which is usually reserved for the wedding party and

close friends, was going to be attended by everyone coming to the wedding. So basically she was having an entire wedding the night before the wedding minus the getting married part. Her plan was to do a full show at the rehearsal dinner. There would be a stage, a microphone, and an audience filled with wedding guests. Did I mention she was calling it a cabaret? WTF?

TO BE CONTINUED...