Sunday, March 28, 2010

Naked on the Subway (Part 1)

Right now, I’m naked on the subway. I’m afraid to sit in fear of showing my crotch. Is this my life? Really? The 9 train is moving fast, but my heart is racing faster. I’m. Naked. On. The. Subway. What? My mind flies in every direction.

I wish there was some crazy hook up story of random hot anonymous stranger sex, but instead it’s a story of laziness. I’m not a morning person, and I’ve never wanted to be one. Let’s face it, morning people are annoying. But this was one day when I wished I had that sunny can-do attitude that my morning counterparts seem to pull off effortlessly. I can be sunny, just not before 10 a.m.

I was living in Hoboken and working in Manhattan. The entire commute was 30 minutes door-to-door. I was a sales rep selling something else this time, and I went to work late everyday. I had the best boss, a total hottie, who made a great deal with me. Hottie Boss said, “Do well and you can do whatever you want.” I love that phrase, “Do whatever you want.” It has a wonderful ring to it. My sales were always at the top which allowed me to sleep in everyday. Fantastic, I know.

Hottie Boss called me into his office the day before my naked trip to work and stressed that I needed to be on time for work tomorrow. This meant being in the office by 8 o’clock in the morning. I said, “No problem,” but he gave me a look and said, “I’m serious. There’s a big meeting, and you can’t be late.” All of a sudden I’m not allowed to be late? What kind of job is this? No wink, no smile, no pat on my ass- what’s going on?

I needed to pick up my suits at the dry cleaners, and then all I had to do was get up on time. Simple. I got into the elevator to go home, when I ran into a few friends, who invited me to grab drinks with them. Luckily, there was time for drinks and picking up the suits. But then I stumbled back to my apartment drunk around 11 p.m. As I was falling asleep, I remembered the suits. How could I forget? Alcohol is evil. I guess I’d have to wake up even earlier than I was supposed to and do it in the morning.

Of course, I overslept. It was almost 7:15, when I remembered all my suits were at the dry cleaners. I had nothing else to wear. I needed those suits. The only way I could get to work on time was to get dressed at the dry cleaners. I threw on my bra, panties and my very short raincoat. Some thought it was a blazer, but it was just a really, really short coat.

I threw on pantyhose. Can anything be more uncomfortable or ugly? Pantyhose should never be on your legs. They should only be worn over your face to rob someone, but the company I worked at was very conservative, so I threw on pantyhose.

I had on a bra, panties, pantyhose, 4-inch heels and my “blazer” raincoat. At another time- definitely not in the morning- with a garter and maybe a pair of handcuffs, this could’ve been the beginning of a fun fantasy sex romp. No such luck. I needed to get to work on time. I didn’t want to let Hottie Boss down.

I ran to the dry cleaners as fast as I could. And it was there that my non-morning person attitude got me into trouble.



  1. this is fantastic. keep it coming!

  2. I don't even get naked in my own house (for fear of seeing myself in the mirror)

  3. Too funny!! And I totally agree with you about the pantyhose.

  4. Hi there. Earlier this year this post was submitted and selected as a BlogHer Voice of the Year:

    We had art pieces created inspired by each post, which were on display during BlogHer '10 in NYC this year. We then auctioned the art to benefit the Nature Conservancy's Gulf Coast Restoration project.

    The community has asked whether we could put together a compilation of all the posts and their associated works of art, and we're going to put together a Blurb book and then sell it to raise more money for the Nature Conservancy.

    I've been unable to find your email address, but f you are interested in being included please email me at elisa(at)BlogHer(dot)com.