My Dog is a C*#?% Block (Part 1)

My dog likes to bark. All of the time. I’ve taken her to trainers. I’ve socialized her at the best doggie day cares in Manhattan. I walk her for miles a day. She has giant biscuits to chew. But none of those things take away her will to bark. Barky is never deterred. She has a best dog friend, and he’s the same barky breed. He’s sweet and lovable, and they are the most adorable pups, but he barks all the time too. When you put them together it usually equals the noise level of ten Dobermans, three German Shepards and four Dalmations...it’s enough to want to kill them.

There’s an unwritten rule in dog ownership. If you watch my dog, I’ll watch yours. It’s pretty simple. I’m sure people with kids do the same thing, but kids don’t bark. They do other annoying things, but the barking... So when my friend takes my dog and watches her, I know I’m going to have to reciprocate. But at what cost?

I was watching the dogs one weekend in the summer and they were driving me nuts. I only have one neighbor on my floor so whenever I watch them together I keep extra beer in the fridge as my peace offering to him. My friends dog, is really needy when he comes to stay, and it makes it hard to leave the apartment. He acts nuts if I just throw out the garbage and then come back. I was working on some writing projects that weekend so except for going to a party I’d be home most of the time.

Even with me being home they were both crazily barking non-stop. Every noise. Every move. Bark. Bark. Bark.

They're just awful together. I live in a studio apartment making it impossible to escape them. I couldn’t wait to go to my party for a break. Even though I knew the party would be pretty boring. One of my friends is the sweetest, but she has the most boring friends. It was sorta my obligatory birthday visit, but with the nuttiness of the dogs I couldn’t wait to leave.

The party was at this amazing bar downtown. It’s one of my favorite spots, so I left early to get away. My plan, once I got to the party, was to have a few drinks and leave. I got there late, and I was still the first one to arrive. Sweet But Has Boring Friends and her Gay Best Friend (GBF) were doing a combo party. I figured the gay guys would be fun at least. This really cute guy showed up, and he was friends with my friends GBF, so I figured he was gay. Gay guys are so cute, it’s so sad for women.

The guy was flirting and talking to me all night. So I started playing the game “Straight or Gay?” in my head. It was such a dilemma. Flirty and staring at my chest. Straight. Talked about his mother and sister. Gay. A do-gooder. Gay. Hand on my leg. Straight. Best friends with the gay guy at the party. Gay. Referenced his ex-girlfriend a few times. Either. Strong sexual energy towards me. Straight. But it was so confusing I didn’t know what to do. Women in Manhattan have been second guessing themselves ever since metro-sexuals showed up.

TO BE CONTINUED...